Dividing Belongings During Divorce: How to Move Forward with Less Stress
Divorce Changes More Than Your Relationship
When my “wusband” and I separated it was very hard for our entire family. Suddenly, the person I’d shared my life with for more than 17 years was gone. We had shared a bedroom, raised our children together, and built a life as co-parents. I hadn’t thought about what came next. But true to what I’d always heard, the initial separation was met with a sense of euphoria. “Whew, we’ve made a decision. We aren’t fighting all the time.”
This feeling didn’t last and eventually, reality set in. Suddenly I was living in “The New Normal (though normal is not quite the word I’d use to describe it).” The life I knew and planned for were gone and the uncertainty of the future was overwhelming.
Divorce brings about more changes that you even anticipate. The obvious ones like the customary child custody schedule and support, but also your role as a person in society completely changes. Friendships change, your ex starts dating and suddenly you are re-entering the world as a single person. In my case I was in my 20’s when I was single (I was also childless).
While your entire life is being turned upside down, you’re also facing difficult decisions. You’re looking at your budget in a way you probably never had before. In many cases, one household suddenly becomes two. That means paying two electric bills, buying two gallons of milk, and covering expenses that used to be shared.
Why Dividing Belongings Can Feel So Emotional
Among these decisions you have to make – does one of us stay in the house and how do we begin dividing belongings in divorce?
Many people will tell you the best option is to sell the home. Often, they’ll say that before learning much about your situation. The thoughts behind this are that maintaining a home by one person is more expensive and there are costs that need to be considered.
Most importantly, the house can be a painful reminder of experiences and memories we created as a couple. When I got my real estate license, one of the only selling tools I learned was to ask a buyer where they saw their Christmas tree. The goal was to help buyers picture themselves living there. You wanted them imagining holidays, family gatherings, and future memories. Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Shawn Weber, refers to the home as the “Marital Museum.”
Our homes are the place we store our belongings, save our collectibles and raised our children. Letting go of the home and sentimental items is hard and sad. It’s like the elephant in the room. You know it’ s there but you really don’t want to talk about it.
Letting Go Is Often Harder Than We Expect
Going through divorce personally has given me both insight into what’s involved in shedding these belongings and also a true understanding of what it means to “let go”.
Making these decisions can be especially difficult. It’s even harder when children are involved. You don’t want to throw everything away. After all, these mementos tell the story of the relationship that created your family. At the same time, if something is causing pain, you don’t want to have to look at it and be further reminded.
There wasn’t a single item in my home that I felt so attached to that I’d be upset if my ex-husband wanted it. Remember when you do start “fighting” over items, it’s likely not the item itself. There will be far bigger issues to deal with than your stuff. Sometimes giving up the battle saves your sanity.
Tips for Dividing Belongings During Divorce
If you’d like to save some money and believe you can work amicably without a neutral third party, here are some tips:
- Establish ground rules before you begin.
- Use stickers (each of you take a color) and only sticker the items you’d be willing to fight over. Flip a coin and the winner gets first pick.
- If you’re dividing children’s rooms, consider keeping each room intact. If there are two children, each parent can recreate one room in their new home.
- If you are hung up on value, go onto Ebay.com. Look up the value of the item by seeing what has sold. You’ll almost always find items aren’t worth what you think they are.
- Ask yourself if you REALLY want it? Sometimes letting things go and starting fresh feels a lot better. Every day I see this beautiful plate we bought on our honeymoon in Italy. I love the plate but the reminder makes me sad.
- There is a wonderful online inventory tool called www.Fairsplit.com. It’s a great way to divide belongings.
- Will the items you are planning to take actually fit in your new home?
You Don’t Have to Navigate It Alone
If you are in disagreement about your belongings, we offer a program to help divide your belongings saving you much money and energy.
My solution was to pack away the marital mementos for another time. I put them somewhere I wouldn’t have to see them every day. When I moved into my new place, I replaced as much of the furniture as I could. And, in typical California style “saged” my new home whispering blessings and hopes for my future.
Serving Greater San Diego & the Coachella Valley
Silver Linings Transitions proudly serves clients throughout Greater San Diego and the Coachella Valley. If you’re navigating a divorce, downsizing, organizing your home, or preparing for a move, we’d be honored to help you take the next step with confidence.